Editorials

6 Passive-Aggressive Recipes to Serve to Family, Coworkers & Frenemies

Revenge is a dish best served cold, or so the saying goes. As you prepare for the onslaught of forced social functions, consider adding these vintage recipes to your menu. They’re guaranteed to get the message across. 

A “Head” of the Game

You were so proud, the moment you became a vegetarian. Healthy, and energized, you excitedly shared the “good news of the Holy Banana” to everyone you met. Until your annoying co-worker who reeks of beef jerky and spam, had to ruin everything. He swears that your corrupting the values of Americans with your “hippie-dippie” trash. Geez, it’s like you want an electric car or something. How dare you! Well never fear, revenge is at hand: a fully submerged head of cauliflower beneath meatloaf. For additional aggressiveness, make the “meat” with vegetarian “viddles” from the frozen section.

Gangrene & Clots

Next time a relative throws the old “you’re not getting any younger” argument around, serve up this monstrosity. Clumpy, probably full of gangrene, and drowned in a batch of last months “clots,” it’s sure to remind everyone you’re just fine with “shark week.” We’re not sure what’s in this one, but we’d assume its spinach and tomatoes, so we hope.

Overstayed Welcome

In-laws/cousins/parents/siblings or one-night stands sometimes don’t know when it’s time to leave. Who do they think you are? An inn-keeper? Wake ’em up with a good old fashioned southern traditional breakfast of tuna and waffles, brought to you by the geniuses of the Campbells soup company. This hearty meal will have them racing out the door with diarrhea or terror, if not both.

Triggering OCD Mold

Control freaks – we all know one. Books organized by alphabetical order, toilet paper hung the “right way,” and an obsession with cleanliness. “Everything in it’s place, and a place for everything.” Take back the control with this gelatin puzzle cube of assorted pastel blocks. It’s unknown if this is full of marshmallows, or discolored fruit. But if you’re daring, dig out the old cans of unused fruit bits (from 1964 – where Grandma hid her canned goods) and get creative.

You Make Me Feel Like…

Tomorrow you could win the lottery, or get a promotion. Hell you might meet the man/woman/whoever of your dreams, or graduate salutatorian of your journalism program. No matter what you do, or what you achieve, somebody is always nearby to remind you how worthless they think you are. Show that oppressive person in your life, just how much of a pile of excrement you think they are with this aspic inspired dish. We’d suggest using asparagus for health code purposes here, but we’d look the other way if you pulled a “number” from The Help.

“I Hate People” Hockey Puck

Has this year been a downward spiral of disappointments and despair from the people in your life? Tired of blocking people, ignoring calls, or demanding that you be treated fairly? Well, get out the old hockey sticks, because this dish is the gift that not only feeds, but assaults. It’s a full holiday meal complete with meats and veggies, congealed together with classic slime, err gelatin. Keep annoying visitors and family members away by pelting these babies at ’em from the comfort of your patio. If you get lucky, you might crack a windshield. Maybe knock over a small toddler or two. This fabulous dish also makes a great Frisbee. 

Happy holidays and keep on passive-aggressing!

Featured image from Pexels.

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